Am I Even Living?

October 7, 2012

It’s been so long since I’ve posted due to FINALLY moving into my own house. I’ve been so very busy lately. Also, with my mom starting chemo, I have no time on my hands.

But lately, I have really overdone myself. Physically and emotionally. So my endo is pissed at me. Struggling a lot lately with severe pain, missing work because of it, and finally scheduling another surgery hopefully for November, around thanksgiving so I don’t miss much work. And of course, with a miserable endo flare up, comes terrible immune system issues. Trying to fight off a cold 😦

I’ve been trying to explain to people the pain lately, especially coworkers and family and friends. It seems like no one gets the severity of endo. I have to mention the ER for someone to realize “oh man she’s in pain”.  But little do people know, the ER does nothing for an endo patient and most ob/gyn’s will tell you the same. Since endo is an internal disease, that basically causes a war with other areas and organs, we don’t look sick, and therefore drs are unsure of what’s going on until the cut us open. Endo can’t even be diagnosed until surgery. So going to the ER means laying there, getting drugged with ivs. Sometimes when the pain is as severe as it has been, and I’m unable to go to the drs, I will go to the ER for some type of temporary relief. But this brings me to my next point.

Meds do not help endo. I have a cocktail of meds I’m on and have been on a LOTTT of pain meds even. Meds CAN take off the edge of pain, but usually that means being so drugged out and sleeping. It’s not the meds or the kind of meds that are the concern, it’s the disease. It’s a TERRIBLE, ugly disease, with no cure. My Dr made a good point thursday, every medication, procedure, surgery the do is only a “band aid” for the time being. It all comes back.

With this, I have been EXTREMELY discouraged, depressed, and down with the disease lately. I’m happy I’m alive and living, but what kind of life am I living exactly when I’m in excrutiating pain to where I can’t get out of bed, can’t work, can’t drive, can’t eat, can’t function. I want to finally feel like I’m living, not just surviving.

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